🔗 Share this article

Our close companions for over two decades, who has faced and conquered several hardships, her resilience is commendable. Yet, she's constantly taken by surprise by people. Her spouse ended their marriage, which came as an unexpected event. Several of close acquaintances vanished at that point, because they seemed only interested in him. This surprised her. She put in increased attention toward our bond, and must have grasped more clearly the essence of true friendship.

The Pattern In Relationships

Throughout this period, several of her friends have drifted apart without her being sure why. The company she worked for became hostile, although she had been an excellent employee, she departed without knowing why things shifted.

Present Situation

In recent times, we have each left the workforce and are seeing each other more, but I am finding my role in our friendship is to listen. I introduce topics of conversation and she changes conversation onto what interests her. Regarding political views, she expresses unyielding views. My effort is to propose verifying facts and alternate views.

She's been organizing a vacation to a country I have traveled to on several occasions even called home for a while. I tried to offer insights, but this was met with resistance. She purely just desired my agreement with her plans. I've just ended a month in that country she hopes to reconnect, however, I hesitate.

Considering the Choices

I am unwilling to be a friend that walks away abruptly, but I don't think she can comprehend the consequences of her actions on how I feel about myself. At this point, my state is avoidance mode. What should I do?

Possible Paths

One option is to walk away, however, that approach is rarely a smooth outcome we hope for. Yet having a direct talk aiming for working things out demands strength and readiness on both your parts.

Therapists recommend trying a useful conflict resolution tool:

"Step one requires explaining what typically happens when you talk. It should be based on facts and basically an unbiased account. Next is to tell her how it makes you feel. There should be no argument on this point. Emotions are your feelings, after all. The third step is to question how the two of you will alter the dynamics of your friendship."

Keep in mind that she also has her own side, so you need to remain ready to hear that. An approach that works is to say to the other person:

"Please share your thoughts while I will remain silent for half an hour."

This can be successful for promoting understanding.

Closing Considerations

She might reject all you say, for those who hold onto a “survival narrative”: they have a narrative about themselves they cannot abandon because their very survival is tied to it being the only thing familiar to them. This is difficult when there seems no easy route in such cases, just dead ends. But she may at first react like this before reflecting your perspective. If you never reach a resolution, it will give you closure that you've been truthful.