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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.